Bollocks. It’s back. I haven’t had a day like this in a while… the anxiety has managed to creep in, kick its shoes off, and make itself comfortable today. 2016 has been a year of extremes and as I mentioned in my last post, the end all be all of roller coaster rides. Earlier in the year my anxiety piqued – it’s never been that bad. After the most draining and horrid few months I took steps needed to distance myself and cut off the source of the anxiety. Things got better, a lot better. I felt normal and sane again. No more of the feeling like I was drowning, gone was the feeling of panic, I didn’t doubt, I didn’t cry or shake, no vertigo… I was happy. I am happy. Then comes a day like this, where the anxiety creeps back into my mind and reminds me that I’m ‘off’, something doesn’t click the way it’s supposed to, the cogs in the wheels don’t fully catch. Am I broken? No. I’m a freaking warrior. It’s just that it’s sometimes hard to keep it up – keep the confidence level, keep it together.
Thankfully, today isn’t a full-blown attack… at least not yet (it’s still morning). In comparison to earlier this year and previous episodes, this is a walk in the park. Please don’t misunderstand what I mean; anxiety is never a walk in the park. I just mean that I know I’ve been through worse and I can get through it today… I just have to keep reminding myself of that. The biggest issue I have with it today is that I have no idea what triggered it. The weather change? Christmas is less than a week away… even though I have all of the shopping and wrapping and everything done already? Is it my mind’s way of dealing with the feelings of actually being treated like a queen – if so, wtf?! Maybe it’s because I’ve been refusing to allow the self-sabotaging thoughts of the ‘other shoe’ or the idea that something is ‘too good to be true’ to seep in? I digress, my anxious mind typically doesn’t make much sense of anything… at least not when anxiety is present. It’s just something that ‘is’ – just a part of me. Anxiety is akin to a super vague fortune cookie. You open it and it reveals an ominous message, “tread lightly, be aware”. Uhm…. of what??
Writing helps a lot, I’ve missed this and am happy I’m getting back into it. Herbal tea also calms my spirit and thoughts. At this point I should buy stock to Twinings and Celestial Seasonings… the amount I go through is insane. My kitties are excellent also for my anxiety. Animals have a special way of picking up on vibrations and thoughts, they’re there for you with a snuggle or a purr. Often times, if I’m around them when a full-blown panic attack hits… they won’t leave my side. Words cannot describe how comforting that is. It’s one of those times in my life when the panic and the fear sets in that I really just want to be alone. No one should see my in that state. They’re there though, without judgement or hesitation, full of love and comfort. My human support system is also great, I know I’ve several friends and even family that would be there for me also – but the kicker is when the anxiety really hits… I don’t want to burden them. I don’t want to deal with the feeling of inadequacy and regret that I’m a nervous wreck. I don’t want to struggle to formulate the words to describe what’s going on – the anxiety and feelings are irrational – I know they are… and it makes it awfully difficult to describe. I don’t want to have to attempt to continue keeping it together as best I can when someone says, ‘are you okay?’ Instead I’ll keep the storm contained internally as best I can, drink my green tea, write, listen to music, and try my hardest to let it go.
Side note… why is it anytime someone asks ‘are you okay’ it makes you break down? Is this a gut reaction to being shown care and compassion? If so, why? All my life I’ve been shown care and compassion. With the exception of the non-existent biological father… though I had loving father figures. I just don’t get it. Weird psychology thing I suppose. Also, why is there always a make out session after someone cries on a tv show or movie? Why is crying sexy? That’s literally never happened to me… but then again, I’m an ugly crier. Raccoon eyes, possible snot bubbles, red face, all of it. Perhaps that’s why? Today is not a crying day, nor is it the worst in anxiety upticks. It’s been months since I’ve had an experience that intense, and years prior to that. It’s just a day. The anxiety is present today and I’m aware of it but I refuse to let it dictate my day. This evening is going to be wonderful, the anticipation and excitement of it all… can we please fast forward time? I refuse to allow it to get the better of me today. Writing helps… I just needed to put my train of thoughts into printed words. Thanks for listening, if you also have to deal with an anxious mind and just need someone to sit in silence with you, or listen… reach out. I’m here. I get it. I’ve got your back.